I know I don’t have to share what I burned this weekend, and in the past I never would have but as I sat alone in the woods this weekend, I decided to let go of a piece of myself. She was tenacious and quiet and though she made me feel strong, she was deceiving.
During team building I talked to someone about our “fixing” complex. We both struggled with trying to fix people and help them with their problems. I always used to put people before myself, which most people think is a great characteristic, until you spend all your time and energy on others, leaving only crumbs for yourself. And when you’re caught in a crisis, or even just having a bad day, there is no one there to support you because all of your people are already leaning on you to support themselves.
I’ve never really had a support system. I’ve always had the title “strong”, and that was what I clung to in dire times. I suppressed my needs or found quick fixes so I could carry out that title. I’m only now realizing the absurdity in that faulty definition. The funny part is, I never saw a problem with my community wellness, which I understand as a concept and practice. One of my favorite quotes relates directly to it! The saying “It takes a village to raise a child” does not doubt the strength of the mother to raise her own, it’s explaining how people become strong and grow from their support systems. How am I supposed to grow into a strong being without having support, and even worse won’t allow myself to be supported?
I’m sick of being “strong” for other people. I want to be strong for myself and take on the real responsibilities of strength. I’m ready to be vulnerable to my problems and accept support, even ask for it (that’s the real tough one…).
I ripped this piece of me out and I burned her. I have to learn to accept that this doesn’t make me weak, if anything, it makes me stronger.