Facing “Too-much-ness”

Written by Nikky Johnson, WLLC 2015-2016

Often times, especially when finding ourselves caught up in the commotions of the world, we find ourselves in a shadow; a sad and scary and unhappy place to be. I find myself in this shadow when I focus too hard on school, and forget to call my sister or my mother or take a moment and breath and reflect on life. In these moments, when I forget that I’m loved and cherished and special, I take life for granted. I do not search for the light in life, the joy, the peace. Instead I am overwhelmed in some suffering… And I find that the “selves” that I despise in myself come out. My “controlling self” (Shadowy Parts Worksheet #1), and my “insistent self” (Shadowy Parts Worksheet #1) begin to override any other self that attempts to be present in my life. In these moments, when I am so caught up in my own life and my own mind, I forget the love that others have for me. I am blinded by my control and my insistence to see the love poured onto me and trying to fill me from my loved ones. And I have found that all it takes is one giant moment of reflection, a wake up call from someone who notices my struggle.

Untitled.png

Often times this is someone close to me like my sister, my boyfriend, my roommate, or my mother who know how I react to this shadow. Most recently it was my boyfriend who absent-mindedly said, “Nikky stop trying to control me.” Though stunned and hurt by his words, I was instantly enlightened with my awful behavior and how it had been affecting my relationships and life and my light. There was no light, just a shadow of contol hanging over me; the thing I most despised about myself and often found myself denying.

And so I began the process of realization, to end this denying that had negatively impacted my relationship with my boyfriend. In doing so, I found insight in these words we studied in class:

“It may seem that there is no way for you to close the loop, that it’s too much. Open your heart into the too-much-ness, slowly, for very short periods of time, and then rest. Even for just a couple seconds, use your presence to touch what is emerging–just enough to light up a new path, but not so much that you overwhelm or re-traumatize yourself” (Matt Licata, Nothing to Heal).

I followed Matt Licata’s advice and I faced the too-much-ness of my control. I let the guilt of letting control, control my life fill me. I let the shame of denial fill me. I let the anger of hurting my boyfriend fill me, and then I let them go. And instead of this dark, gloomy, controlling shadow that had been hanging over my soul, instead I was filled with forgiveness and light. I forgave myself for this shadow, my boyfriend forgave me for my control, and I found a peace like never before in finding forgiveness in the grace of God. And on that note, I leave you with this quote from the ones we discussed in class:

“The soul always knows that to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind” (Caroline Myss).

Face your too-much-ness, then calm your mind, and let your soul heal…for there is no greater emotional or spiritual wellness than this peace.

Untitled.png

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s