This is What it Feels Like

Written by Grace Buck, WLLC 2015-2016

Everyone tells you that you will find yourself in college; I just never understood that in order to do so, you have to lose yourself first.

I have spent the last three years of my life a little numbed. I was living with some distance to protect myself from the pain that resides in my mind and soul, but my defense mechanism has also brought great shame and confusion into my life.

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Beginning my college experience was not going to be a smooth transition and I knew it was necessary to be numbed for some time to shield my circumstantial sadness. But once the New Year began and I realized I wasn’t even feeling the slightest bit of joy, let alone anything else for that matter, during what is supposedly the most wonderful time of life, I made the decision to shed my armor and open myself up to the great unknown.

Over the weekend, I went home to spend some much needed time with my parents. We watched the movie Everest and I spent the entire time questioning why someone would want to put themselves in so much pain, but after so many tears I realized that these people found something that breaks them down, if not kills them, and with that they feel every capable human emotion at once; they feel alive.

I’m not afraid to be hurt anymore. The book I’m currently reading expresses just why that is:

“When we feel sad enough and lost enough and hopeless enough and fatigued by the burden of our victim stories, something deep within us has the opportunity to emerge, something stronger and wiser than we may ever have known existed within us.”

This vulnerability brings meaning to life.

At this point, I am so far from being well. I have actually never felt so unsure about every aspect of my life, but what I do know is that I am feeling that. I am just an absolute emotional wreck, but I feel more alive than ever. With that, I feel a little crazy, but as Dr. Lissa Rankin would say,

“Perhaps this is what it looked like to lose your mind, but if that’s what it felt like to become insane, I didn’t have any desire to return to the pain of sanity.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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