Written by Riley Robert, WLLC 2015-2016
Looking back on freshmen year I have such mixed feelings about so many things. Frequently I ask myself if I made the right choices, if I’ve put myself on the right path. Unfortunately, I never seem to be sure of the answer, even know, two weeks before freshmen year is over. I noticed that most of the time when I’m questioning my past choices it involves relationships, my major, my lifestyle, and just where I am at in life in general.
When I question my relationships, I often question if I made all of the right friends, or if I should’ve spent more time expanding my circle and branching out to new people. I often call my sister and talk to her when I’m upset, and she tells me truthfully that I have quite a few “toxic” friends at DU, even though I have some good ones as well. When I’m not caught up in thought about if I made the right friends, I’m caught up in thought over if I spent a fourth of my college years dating the right guys. I came into college in a relationship with a guy who not only didn’t appreciate me, but was controlling and borderline emotionally abusive. After that I dated another guy who was brilliant but even more controlling, and then I decided essentially to be by myself. Occasionally I would start seeing someone, but I always cut it off before it got too serious. I got very good at being by myself, until I started falling for my best friend. Eventually I fell for him, hard, and now although we are close, he isn’t coming back to DU next year. So, once again, I am alone. I always think back if I should have spent more time not going out, or giving other guys my time, instead of making the choices I had. I’m curious as to if my commitment and abandonment issues from past relationships made my relationships in college different or harder than they should have been.
Another thing I’ve been questioning a lot lately is my choice of major, that also impacts my career path. I want to be a doctor. It’s all I’ve wanted to be since I was in middle school. However, the classes I’ve been taking have stomped out my motivation, I consistently feel like I’m awful at everything. Often times I’m not even sure of the relevance and necessity of the classes that I’m taking for what I actually want to do. I’ve even spoken with doctors that are friends of my family, and they’ve said that the classes I’m taking are useless and removing some of our brightest minds from the field. Even with that knowledge, I don’t know if I can put myself through three more years of this. My friends that also want to go into the medical field have expressed similar concerns, but now the fear is not only is this the right path for me, but how much time and money have I wasted if it is not? I don’t know how far behind I’ve put myself by attempting to follow my dreams.
When it comes to my lifestyle, obviously coming into freshmen year at DU I didn’t expect to move out of the dorms into an apartment. I also didn’t expect to be on anti anxiety medication, to still struggle to sleep at night, or to be seeing a therapist regularly. Sometimes I wonder if DU was the right choice, and while I don’t plan on transferring, I do question where else I could have been. My lifestyle is not bad, I love it. I love living in an apartment, and I love the job I’ve recently acquired. I actually look forward to working, more so than I’ve ever looked forward to any class. However I do wonder where I would be if I started working sooner.
Looking back at the entire year, I am happy with the choices I made, but I am not convinced that they were always the right ones. I feel like I will always question if I am doing the right thing and if I am moving in the right direction, which is something I have to accept. My freshmen year had its downs, but it also had its ups. As it closes I look forward to summer to attempt to calm some of those questions, and focus on them. To be at peace with my past and my choices is to be mentally and emotionally well, and I would like those to be my goal of the summer. I want to improve my emotional and mental wellness with regards to my relationships, my major, and my lifestyle. Hopefully I will reach that goal. Wish me luck, wellness friends.